Dependent..

I've been married just a little over three months now and I could not ask for more! It has been a crazy adventure so far, so many goods, along with the bad as well. The main lesson I'm learning though is how to be dependent on God. In this time of "adulthood" where people get married, have kids, buy houses, get "real" jobs and anything else the "world" tells you that you should be doing as an adult, there is a big struggle to understand what it means to be dependent. How can I learn to be dependent when so many areas of my life require me to be independent? But this is not dependency out of lack...although we will always be in lack compared to God's greatness...this is dependency in the midst of abundance. In this midst of distraction and freedom. So many things are calling my name, so many options with what to spend my time with. And me, I'm the type of person who wants to be in control of where my life is headed and my circumstances and being dependent on the Lord means abandoning that completely. Let's just say, learning this lesson is an everyday battle. I mean, who wouldn't want to be dependent on God? He has everything. But my heart, with so much fear in it, is afraid of being rejected and forgotten. Being dependent on God means running to Him when nothing makes sense or when everything makes sense. My position is the former. I have an awesome husband, we are financially stable and things look good but it's not enough if I'm not dependent on Him. I can't depend on myself being happy, or my circumstances turning out "right" or even my husband or family being exactly who I need them to be. All of those things disappoint. Every time. The one thing true is Him. I can depend on Him. I just remind myself that this life is short and things aren't going to work out the way I think they should. And most of the time my control of situations is just me trying to cover up my fear. But He is with me always and He will never leave me. He knows, He sees and He understands my dreams. At the end of this life, it is Him I will stand in front of. So in this life, I want to spend my days learning how to be dependent. Because in that day, it is Him I will lean on and only Him I will have.

Fleeting Are Our Days..

I keep telling my self I want to get a tattoo saying something something like "all flesh is grass..." because I know every time I were to look down and see it, peace would rise up in me. When I remind myself of the ever sobering truth that all flesh is grass and that our days here on earth are simply fleeting and nothing more than a vapor, it makes me happy. To most people, this reality might make them scared. But for me, it could not make me happier. It's like God left us this promise so that we would never take our earthly life too seriously, because it is here today and gone tomorrow. All we are called to do is to know what God is telling us to do and to do it. We, myself included, get so wrapped up in what we are supposed to do because society said so or family members that we respect tell us to do. But whatever happened to such a great fear for the Lord that we don't care what anyone else says? Where is the confidence in what God is calling us to do? And I'm not just talking about the "big stuff," like the Lord told me to move to Africa. I'm talking about the day in and day out simple acts of obedience...will we listen then despite what other people are doing or saying? The fact that our human bodies are simply the shell we are living in until we reach eternity should motivate us and convict us to live our lives differently. We should give all and expect nothing in return. Let go of any bitterness. Forgive. Move on and keep moving. Never look back. Let go of control. Release your grip on everything you think you are entitled to. Trust God. He holds your world. Jesus never answered to anyone except the Father. He was misunderstood, hated, despised; but to Him it was all worth it if it meant being close to the one who gave Him abundant life. We too should live this way.

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

Let Him be the only one that defines you and everything you do. Nothing else matters!

He gives and takes away

Most people don't like hearing this truth about God because they believe that if He is really good, then He wouldn't take away. The Lord and I have been having discussions about this truth for months now and I've come to learn that when He takes it is so that He can give. In a season where it seems like a lot is being taken and changed, I know it is because He has greater things for me to enter in to. Now, that is a good God! Nothing belongs to us. I like to think of it like renting a car. When we rent a car, it is almost like we are more carefree. We feel more free to go more places and do more things because we know that car actually doesn't belong to us. Now don't get me wrong, we are still called to be responsible and good stewards, but we cannot live our lives like anything is ours! We are here today, for a moment, and then gone the next! I would much rather live like I know that is true instead of living with such a tight grip on everything and getting confused the minute God changes something or takes it away. If we know it did not belong to us in the first place, then when He takes it away, it isn't as hard. That's freedom. Freedom to live and to love with everything, with no reservations.

The Winds are Changing...

I haven't posted in a while, but I thought this was as good a time as any to catch up. How ironic is it that just as the seasons are about to change, so is everything in my life. If I'm honest, the last few months I have been kicking and screaming and throwing fits inside because I have had no idea what has been going on in my life. I've felt so out of control, unable to grasp anything. If anyone knows me, they know that I have this need (or maybe just a want) to know what is going on...always. But that's just not how God works. He is more concerned with a heart that trusts Him and knows Him more because of it. Back in 2013, God spoke to me and said it would be the year of suddenlies-and that proved to be true. Who knew that 2014 would be the year of change. And not just change like most people think, but radical, seemingly out of control change. Things are happening in my life that I never thought would, and yes, I get angry about it sometimes, but deep down I know that unexpected is the best thing to expect. The places I'm going and the things God is taking me through I cannot do alone, so I know it is from Him. My parents recently sold their house, my job has been ever changing, I'm almost done with school, my finacee and I are about to move 2,000 miles across the country and chapters from previous books are being closed in both of our lives. It could not be more obvious that God is transitioning us. I know this especially because I want to give up all the time. That's the enemy's way of distracting us so that we don't enter into what God is doing. But now more than ever I know we must strengthen our feeble knees and run the race He has set before us. We must be strong-and that can only happen with God. My patience has been tested more than ever lately. Dalton and I are about to get married, my sister lives out of state, we are investing time in future things when we already have enough on our plates right now. Trying to balance family, church, wedding planning and still be intentional with each other can become difficult, because we just get tired. Although impatience, lack of peace, tiredness and frustration are evident in my life at the moment, I can say that excitement trumps all of these. This last year has been a season of preparation, and just like a kid getting ready for a big camping trip who can't sleep the night before, I am trying to not become restless in the waiting. It's easy to become overwhelmed, but the Lord said to set your mind on things above, and that by worrying we do not add anything to our lives. What I have been discovering is that you cannot control anything, and sometimes my passion gets in the way of this truth. More than ever I am so desperate for the Lord to bring breakthrough, comfort, joy and peace into my life. Trusting him is the safest place I can be, so that is what I have chosen to do. Sure, I might stumble sometimes and grow weary and weak, but that is when His strength is perfect-when I surrender and say I have nothing without You. So here's to the changing seasons, the changing winds.. I trust you Jesus.

at the beginning of 2013 someone prophesied that this would be the year of "suddenlies." I though, whatever. Things happened back to back that weren't necessarily bad, but they weren't good. I've felt for some time now feelings of extreme restlessness-not because I was dissatisfied with God, but just because I knew something was missing and I had not idea what it was. BUT GOD. haha. I was so busy trying to find out what was missing, that I was actually missing God's voice telling me where to take my next step. I was so worried about the bigger picture while he wanted to whisper in my ear, "put one foot in front of the other." He was teaching me to trust Him all over again. I"m not even sure why I'm writing this, but I just needed to say it. God's hand has been all over my life. His faithfulness is unbelieveable.When I took that one small step, He really did show me that this is the YEAR OF SUDDENLIES!!!

The INbetween

Life is full of transition and hard decisions that need to be made. It's how you handle those situations that make us who we are. They shape you whether you like it or not. The easy thing to do would be to shrink back from anything difficult and because of that not be willing to take responsibility for anything. Almost like we are always on neutral ground. Why? Because we are afraid. I'm reading a book right now where the author says, "Let us live the lives we are afraid to live." This isn't just talking about skydiving or taking a crazy road trip. It means let's be bold, step out and face situations that would normally scare us to death. Let's do it for the sake of the truth and for the sake of the gospel. I refuse to believe that the day to day activities and hustle and bustle is all there is to life. There IS more, and I will do whatever it takes to be one step closer to the more. Some people might misunderstand, but that is a risk I'm willing to take. I am in the inbetween...where trust is a MUST. There is absoloutely nothing else to lean on, faith is the only option...and sometimes that is scary because we are used to controlling things and planning out our entire futures. We compare our lives to others and measure ourselves against society and what it tells us. This has to stop. God is interested in the process, and the decisions we make day to day. HE wants to be a part of all of it-to trust. This is the most beautiful surrender there is, to give up all options other than faith. There is no plan B.

Go With the Flow...

I've been learning that every moment matters. In the past I've always tried to "plan" everything out thinking that somehow by doing that I would be in control. What I realized is that this made me even more OUT of control. God has been teaching me to trust him in the moment. He loves it when HE is our only plan. So often we try to have a plan B, just in case He doesn't come through. When we learn to give up control it is then that He comes in and surprises us. Surrender is actually all a part of rest. But learning to rest is difficult. haha! It is all so backwards, and I'm learning to be okay with that! To be continued...